Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
