This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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