you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
