I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
