If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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