Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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