Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
