Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
