No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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