i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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