sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
