Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
