She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
