Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.