So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"