I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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