I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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