who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
