When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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