in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
