why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
