Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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