You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
