I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You have to summon your inner elephant
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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