I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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