Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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