I bet he comes in French.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
