Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You left your phone here
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