I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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