I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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