i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
