She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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