Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
