Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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