I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
