The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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