You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
