I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
