My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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