I just cut my nipple shaving
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
