I look better un-naked...
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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