I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
