New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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