we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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