Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
