um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
