god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
someone threw a dead crab at me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
two words...techno handjob
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize