It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
high people should be assigned attendants
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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