I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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