Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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