Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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