did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
