I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it was like eating out sand paper
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
