Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
