New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
