the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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