The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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