I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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