FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
