we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
