He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
