WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That was before I lit my hair on fire
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
