smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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